


A Single Light in a Dark Night

by Aluzar



Category: Breaking Bad
Genre: Blue Christmeth 2015, F/M, angst with a bit of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:01:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22225303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aluzar/pseuds/Aluzar
Summary: Jesse Pinkman pines over what could've been and struggles to cope with the role of his mentor, Walter White, in his girlfriend Jane Margolis' death.
Relationships: Jane Margolis/Jesse Pinkman
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14
Collections: Blue Christmeth 2019





	A Single Light in a Dark Night

**Author's Note:**

  * For [warriorpoet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/warriorpoet/gifts).



> Welcome to Blue Christmeth 2019! This fic has been written for @warriorpoet whose extensive list of prompts left me wanting to do 20 fics at once! Eventually I settled on "Jesse in the compound trying to deal with finding out Walt's role in Jane's death", a dark prompt for sure so plenty of angst in this one! There is a bit of fluff at the end so don't despair!
> 
> Please enjoy, and Merry Blue Christmeth to all!
> 
> \- Aluzar

It was dark and cold in the compound, and Jesse Bruce Pinkman was thinking about Jane. How long had it been since he had last seen her, felt her presence beside him in his bed, heard her laughter and seen her smile?

He knew that it had been over a year (time seemed to move differently in the compound), but it felt like only yesterday he was making her breakfast in bed, watching TV in lawn chairs and showing her his sketches.

However it also felt much longer, as though he were suspended in time, surveying his past lives with remorse and regret. God, there was so much regret. Every life he’d taken, every casualty in this never-ending quest for power, every friend he had lost. Every action he had ever taken weighed upon him, almost unbearably.

Gale Boetticher, Mike, Drew Sharp, all those innocents on the plane, Andrea and Jane. It seemed at the centre of all of his guilt, there she was. An ugly blemish on an already stained history.

Jesse was quite certain of the fact that he had never and would never again love the way he had loved Jane. Their love was pure, special, unique. Jesse wasn’t sure if he believed in soulmates but if he had one, it was her.

And just like everything else, he’d fucked it up.

It had started out like any other relationship. Moving into a new house, becoming acquainted, falling in love. He’d loved her so much, and she’d been one of the few people that had known him properly at that point in his life.

And then he relapsed. And his relapse made her relapse. She introduced him to heroin and everything started going downhill. Jane wasn’t herself anymore. She became aggressive, distant, hazy. Guess those spokespeople that went to every school once a year weren’t fucking with him when they said drugs changed how you thought. Maybe if he hadn’t relapsed, if he’d been more careful, Jane would still be alive.

Maybe if _he_ wasn’t alive, she would be.

Jesse wasn’t a stranger to wishing he was dead, and his current predicament wasn’t exactly making him love life or anything. But the closest he’d ever gotten to actually offing himself was after Jane’s death, in the crackhouse. If it wasn’t for Mr White he would’ve...

  


Fuck. Mr White.

How did he even feel about him anymore? I mean he sure as shit didn’t love the guy but did he hate him? Jesse wanted to say yes but he couldn’t be sure of it. Every time he thought of Mr White he felt.. hollow. As though his feelings for him had rotted away inside him long ago.

There was a time where Jesse would have died for him without a second question. Where he would’ve flung himself into the line of fire just in the hope that Mr White would survive. There was a time where Mr White would have done the same.

At least, Jesse had thought that.

Everything Jesse thought he had known about Mr White had disappeared that day, aeons ago in the desert. Selling him to these fucking Nazi scum had been bad enough but those words. Those four fucking words had ripped a hole in his soul so large it could never been repaired. Each day they ran through his mind, pounding against his skull like a shrieking banshee, wailing for their lost one. He remembered the fight draining from him, no longer resisting the Nazi’s pull. He felt betrayal washing over him, a current so strong he wished he could drown right then and there. That the world would swallow him up so he would not have to deal with the knowledge that he had sided with the man who... it was too awful to think about.

_I watched Jane die._

Part of him hoped it wasn’t true, but the other part knew that Mr White was enough of a fucking scumbag to have done that. I mean Jane had threatened to out him, so what else could he have done? Bitterness rose up inside Jesse like bile, tainting his thoughts and memories.

The light cascading through the tarp of his cage cast a shadow against the wall, illuminating the Jesse-shaped zombie that had taken his place. He wondered of an afterlife, where Jane and Andrea might be watching down on him.

What would they think of him now?

Nothing more than a meth slave, a shell of a man. Secretly, Jesse hoped they weren’t watching, if they were out there at all. He wouldn’t have wanted them to see him like this.

Everything in Jesse’s life had gone to fucking shit, but he still felt somewhat deserving of this torture. If he could repent in any way for what he’d done, to Jane and everyone else, then, hell, he’d do it.

_Is that what this is? Repentance?_

Jesse curled up into a ball, on his dirtied mattress, praying for an easier night than the last. Sleep never came easy for him these nights, often plagued with nightmares. Plus, concrete cages got fucking cold, surprisingly. Maybe he should ask Todd for a blanket, in a few cooks.

As Jesse began to close his eyes, he tried to recreate Jane in his mind as best he could. What had she looked like? Sounded like? Smelt like? Was he already forgetting? Would he soon be left with no memories of her at all?

Jesse felt his fears assuaged slightly as she came to him, like a beautiful siren lulling him to sleep. Her hair had been ebony black and so silky, he couldn’t help but run his hands through it as they lay in bed.

She had a smile that could brighten up the whole room, and a laugh that sounded as close to heaven as anything Jesse could imagine. She was perfect in every way.

_Are you coming to bed or what?_ she snarked at him, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“Sure,” Jesse murmured quietly to himself, conscious that no one else would hear. “You gonna be waiting for me?”

_Always_. Jane said with a smile, turning down the darkened corridor and gesturing for him to follow. Smiling, Jesse followed her, surrendering his body finally to the embrace of sleep.

It was dark and cold in the compound, and Jesse Bruce Pinkman would have no nightmares tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please take the time to check out the other Blue Christmeth works, past or present! This event would not have been made possible without these amazing creators so thanks to each and everyone of you who participated!
> 
> \- Aluzar


End file.
